


would it also kill the remorse

by great_big_worm



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Draco needs a hug, Guilt, Harry's a good boyfriend, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Hogwarts, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:54:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27607925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/great_big_worm/pseuds/great_big_worm
Summary: The title of this fic is inspired by the song I Never Got To See The West Coast by Emery.Harry finds Draco writing a suicide note.
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter
Comments: 1
Kudos: 63





	would it also kill the remorse

Draco was never one to speak his feelings out loud, and Harry knew that.

That's why Harry had to learn to pick up on different cues that told him his boyfriend's inner thoughts. If Draco was feeling low or like he didn't trust himself, he'd go to wherever Harry was and just sit there, grounding himself with his presence. If he was content or relaxed, he would cease the constant wringing of his hands and allow himself to slouch into Harry's embrace. And if he was totally over the moon with his affection for Harry, he would start dinner before Harry got home from work. It didn't necessarily _taste_ good, but Harry would never tell him that. 

Today, Draco was withdrawn. He didn't kiss Harry before the latter left for work. In fact, he didn't even acknowledge him leaving, mumbling a muted "goodbye" before turning back over into his slumber. Harry hadn't taken offense, nor had he really spent much time worrying about it. Everyone, even the untouchable Draco Malfoy, had days where they felt downtrodden and defeated. But then Harry came home to Draco _still in bed._

"Love? It's nearly dinner," Harry said, hoisting the blinds just a little to let some light in. The blond winced.

"Can't we just order in?"

Harry took a step back, dumbfounded. Just last week Draco has chastised him for trying to order some Chinese takeaway for lunch, claiming that "if you want to live to see the day we get married, you'll watch your sodium intake and have some _real_ food." Still, Harry shook it off.

"Yeah. Yeah, sure," Harry sighed. "I'll get on it."

He noticed that in the time it took him to make the call, he could hear soft footsteps padding toward the bathroom at the end of the hallway. _Good,_ Harry nodded. _At least he's up._ Eventually, Draco emerged, still in the pyjamas he fell asleep in last night, trudging toward the study with a dejected look on his face. Harry tried not to stare at him for too long, lest he make whatever was wrong with Draco worse than it already was.

"I've, um... work to do. I'll be a while."

"Okay." 

"Might be going into the night."

"Okay."

"I'll do best if I'm alone, so... don't wait up for me or anything."

"Okay."

With that Draco shut the door to the study, the lock clicking behind him.

Harry paid the delivery woman alone. He ate his chow mein alone. He watched the 6 o'clock news alone. He had an evening drink over his paperwork alone. His thoughts never strayed far from the Slytherin behind the door, what he might be doing. It _certainly_ couldn't be anything work related since he was still doing his training at St. Mungo's. Legal paperwork was also out of the question, because he knew for a fact that Draco didn't know the first thing about navigating those and always came to Harry for assistance. So... what else was there?

Harry glanced at the clock. Fifteen minutes to twelve.

Fuck this.

Ever so diligently he grabbed the study key from the shelf, twisting it in the lock and swinging the door wide open. The room was illuminated by a single lamp, resting upon the desk where Draco was laying his snoring head on a single piece of parchment. Harry dared a glance at the writing.

**_To those who I hold dear, I am sorry._ **

_What?_ Harry's breath hitched in his throat.

**_I will preface by saying this was thoroughly planned and thought out. I did not act irrationally. After many months of thought, I've come to the conclusion that there is no concievable future where I am of use to-_ **

"Give me that!" The paper was snatched from Harry's hands, ripping almost completely in half. Draco's eyes were wild, like he himself wasn't sure if he was about to berate Harry for invading his privacy or if he was going to run away and never look back. 

"What the _fuck,_ Draco!" Harry waved the sheet about erratically. "What is this?"

"It's nothing," Draco tried, but Harry could see in his eyes that he knew it was of no use. His secret was out.

"It looks like a fucking suicide note, Malfoy." He noticed Draco wince at the use of his last name, like they were back at Hogwarts and still hurling insults across the courtyard. "Why the _hell_ would you want to kill yourself?"

"I _killed_ people in the war. Innocent people. They did nothing wrong except for having the _audacity_ to be muggleborn. How am I supposed to live with myself after that?" Draco fumed, taking a step back. "Every day I look at that _fucking_ mark on my arm and it's no wonder you cast that spell on me in sixth year!"

Harry allowed Draco a moment to breathe.

"You became a Death Eater because it was forced upon you. You were indoctrinated. _You had no say._ You were just as much a victim as the people Voldemort targeted." Unlike most would, Draco did not wince or let his jaw drop at the mention of his name. "Think, what would've happened had you said no? You know he would've just taken care of you and your parents as if you were nothing. Don't you remember being some of the _only_ Death Eaters to abandon him at the battle?"

"I..."

"That's what I thought. You were doing what you thought was right because that's what your parents wanted for you. Hell, I've done some pretty questionable things because Dumbledore asked me to. Being a product of your environment isn't your fault."

Harry watched as Draco looked from him, to the paper, back to him, silver eyes brimming with tears. Wordlessly, silently, he crossed the room and melted into Harry's arms.

"It's okay. You're okay." Harry soothed, rubbing circles into Draco's back. "If you're feeling like this, you need to _talk_ to me. I can help bring you back down."

"That's the problem." Draco sniffed. "You shouldn't have to do that."

"It's what I signed up for. I wouldn't have it any other way."

After a while Malfoy's tears subsided and the two just sat there, matching their breathing, taking their time before doing anything else. Harry's mind was running a thousand miles and minute. _What if he tries again? What if I'm too late next time?_

"I see your cogs turning." Draco sighed. "It's alright. I'll talk to you next time. Swear."

"You'll talk to me."

"Exactly."

And when they _did_ finally get up and stagger to bed, Harry didn't take his eyes off of Draco until the blond's breathing evened out and he was sure he was in a deep sleep.


End file.
